FRIENDSHIP
by Derbenmeyer
Summary: "Horse is the cruelest animal." -Friedrich Neighzsche. Don't believe him? Just check this out.
1. Pilot - Part 1

FRIENDSHIP is MAGIC

"Pilot"

"_Once upon a time, in the magical land of Equestria, there were two regal sisters who ruled together, and created harmony for all the land. To do this, the eldest used her unicorn powers to raise the sun at dawn; the younger brought out the moon to begin the night. Thus, the two sisters maintained balance for their kingdom and their subjects, all the different types of ponies. But as time went on, the younger sister became resentful. The ponies relished and played in the day her elder sister brought forth, but shunned and slept through her beautiful night. One fateful day, the younger unicorn refused to lower the moon to make way for the dawn. The elder sister tried to reason with her, but the bitterness in the young one's heart had transformed her into a wicked mare of darkness: Nightmare Moon-"_

" Ahahaha, come on, what a load of shit!" said Luna, interrupting the lecture of her sister "Do these chumps really believe this? You've got to be kidding me"

The Royal Sisters were chilling inside Castle Canterlot, they were bored out of their minds and decided to read the good old books, namely that "Old bullshit legend" Celestia was so proud of.

"I know" Said Celestia in a triumphant tone "I came up with this shit in, like, 5 minutes or less" She then turned the page to resume the lecture "But just listen, it gets even better"

"_She vowed that she would shroud the land in eternal night. Reluctantly, the elder sister harnessed the most powerful magic known to ponydom: the Elements of Harmony. Using the magic of the Elements of Harmony, she defeated her younger sister, and banished her permanently in the moon. The elder sister took on responsibility..."_

Far from the main halls of Castle Canterlot, in the Castle's Gardens, a Pony was Reading the same book, however, this pony was not making fun of the book.

"_:__...for both sun and moon, and harmony has been maintained in Equestria for generations since"_

Twilight stopped reading and looked at the sky, immersed in deep thought.

"Hmm... Elements of Harmony. I know I've heard of those before...

but where?"

Meanwhile, in the throne room of Castle Canterlot, the two sisters talked amongst themselves

"Damn, I'm so fucking bored" said Luna "When are going to do something fun again? I mean, we even read a book for fuck's sake"

"What do you mean?" replied her sister coldly, while stepping on a blindfolded royal guard's testicles, who was shaking with fear "Because I'm having a blast right now"

"Ugh, you have become a softie, I'm talking about real fun, you know, burning villages, murdering their kids, seeing all those fuckers scream and beg for their lives, don't tell you forgot all about that"

"I have not, dear sister, but I just find this much more amusing" Said Celestia as she crushed the Guard's balls, making him scream in agony and convulse uncontrollably "Ahh, it never gets old" Celestia said, visibly aroused

"Well then fuck you bitch, I really want to burn some fuckers"

"Oh you fucking animal, then just go to the frontlines again, stop bothering me"

"That stopped being fun after the 3rd time, the screams of grown-ass ponies are not nearly as sweet as filly ones, I want their families to see it, I want to feel their terror, can't I just storm into some random town and shit on their day?"

"Hell no" calmly said Celestia, as she threw the unconscious body of the guard around with her magical powers "The ponies would get pretty pissed, they might turn against us"

"Since when do we give a fuck about those fucking peasants?"

"Besides, you are supposedly stuck on the moon, if you don't keep a low profile or you leave some survivors they are going to find out we are full of shit"

"But why do we even bother covering our shit? They should all deal with it, they should all see the kind of twisted bitches we are, that would totally make them shit themselves!"

"Not until we have seized control of the nearby kingdoms, the least we want now is some bullshit revolution going on"

Luna was visibly angered and was about to lash out against her sister, when suddenly a message came flying to Celestia's side, it was from Twilight Sparkle, one of her students.

"_My dearest teacher, my continuing studies of pony magic have led me to discover that _something really bad is about to happen_! For you see, the mythical Mare in the Moon is in fact Nightmare Moon, and she's about to return to Equestria, and bring with her eternal night! Something must be done to make sure this terrible prophecy does not come true. I await your quick response. _

_Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle."_

"Speaking of dumbfucks" said Celestia, as a thought occurred to her "Say, Luna, why are you such a stupid bitch?"

"What?" angrily replied Luna "Why the fuck are you calling me that?"

"You really want to murder some poor fuckers, right? Well then, Nightmare Moon is about to return, after so many years of being imprisoned on the moon, do you think she is going to be pissed?"

Luna was about to reply, but was interrupted by Celestia, who kept talking

"Then how the fuck could you forget about the prophecy? You can be a really stupid bitch sometimes. We can't just leave the ponies waiting for Nightmare Moon, right?"

Luna was elated, she could barely hold her excitement "This is going to be fucking awesome, just like in the good old times"

"Yeah yeah, have a blast, shut it and let me write a reply to this bitch"

"Oh, you mean that honor student of yours? What was her name…"

"Twilight Sparkle, the bitch boy's sister"

"Ah right, she has a nice rump, I bet it must feel real good" After saying, several jarring thoughts came to Luna, and she had an idea "Say, could you do me a favor?"

"You know I have a deal with the bitch boy, you can't touch her sister"

"But, what if something out of your control happened to her?" Luna said suggestively "Don't you want to get rid of that bookworm shithead?"

"I do, but I don't see how something could be out of my control"

Luna was starting to get angry again, "Besides, when did you started to keep your promises? Fuck that asshole, what could possibly stop you?"

"I have bigger and better things in mind, so no, fuck off already"

"Sit on a cactus bitch" Muttered Luna to herself, and then asked her sister "Well then, where is Nightmare Moon going to rape the shit out of ponies?"

Celestia was more than annoyed at this point, normally she would have sent her to a big city like Fillydelphia, or even let Canterlot burn while she pegged some poor sod, but now she was pissed, she didn't wanted her sister to enjoy herself to the max, so she decided to send her to a small shit hole.

"Ponyville? You kidding?" Shouted Luna

"You heard me, if you don't like it, you can wait for other 1000 years at the moon"

"What gives you the right? Stupid bitch, why do you think I should obey all you…"

She suddenly stopped when she saw how angered Celestia had become, she had transformed the Guard into a pile of red goo, without even looking at her sister Celestia replied:

"Or, you could make some company to poor old Discord, I bet he is really going to appreciate it"

Luna didn't said a word, she silently walked away, trying to not anger her sister even more, when she was out of the throne room, she started muttering to herself "One of these days I'm going to make you eat your own shit, just you wait, stupid cunt"

Celestia was still mangling what was left of the Guard's body, in an attempt to control her anger, she then remembered that she had to write a reply to Twilight, and it finally occurred to her that maybe that "special plan" she had for Shining Armor and Twilight wasn't worth this crap, maybe it would be much better to see Shining Armor completely miserable, what the fuck could he even do anyway? Nothing, and so, she wrote her reply.

"_My dearest, most faithful student Twilight. You know that I value your diligence and that I trust you completely, but you simply must stop reading those dusty old books! My dear Twilight, there is more to a young pony's life than studying, so I'm sending you to supervise the preparations for the Summer Sun Celebration in this year's location: Ponyville. And, I have an even more essential task for you to complete: make some friends!"_


	2. Pilot - Part 2

FRIENDSHIP is MAGIC

"Pilot" Part II – Arrival at Ponyville, Meet the Apple clan.

Soaring the skies above several roads and settlements was a VIP carriage headed to Ponyville, in the carriage, Twilight was conversing with Spike, wondering what kind of place Ponyville could be, wondering why she had to this at all when there was imminent danger around the corner, wondering if Celestia would do anything to stop it from happening, in short, wondering a lot of things.

The carriage landed on what seemingly was one of the main avenues of Ponyville, "Thank you, sirs." Said Twilight to the Guards who had transported her all the way from Canterlot, and so, they left her with Spike.

Ponyville was, at some point in time, a little humble town with not much going on for it; there was an apple farm, some festivals and not much else, the townsfolk were a humble bunch, mostly dedicated to farming, trading and selling, just leading simple magical pony lives, yeah sure, there was that scary forest full of bloodthirsty creatures but no one paid much mind to it; that was some time ago, back to the good old days, you probably know how this kind of story goes:

Things have changed, for the worst –Surprise, surprise

How could we describe modern day Ponyville? A festering, decadent shithole of a town, yeah, that sounds about right, considering the streets are full of litter and actual shit, the walls are covered in unintelligible graffiti and obscenities, there are holes and bumps in the roads and even abandoned carriages, the denizens around that particular street either look bored out of their minds or stoned, and Twilight Sparkle, a sheltered rich girl who has never been to a place like Harlem before in her life, is in the middle of it all. And of course, both her and the little baby dragon were scared out of their minds.

"M-maybe the ponies in Ponyville have interesting things to talk about?" Said Spike, trying to lighten up the mood, then he saw from afar a pink pony approaching, she looked friendly enough, "Come on, Twilight, just try!" said Spike, as the pink pony stopped walking.

Twilight gathered all her courage and strength, trying to remain calm and composed, she said the only words that came to her mind:

"Um... hello?"

And for a precious second it seemed like she had given the first step towards the magic of friendship, making new friends wasn't so hard after all! Even in this hostile looking place she managed to make a friend! But then, the pink pony freaked the fuck out, started gasping and then ran away really fast, both Twilight and Spike were shocked, what the fuck was that?

"Well, that was interesting all right" Muttered Twilight to Spike, who just sighed in resignation: this place was a shithole alright.

Despite how demoralizing and underwhelming the whole situation was, Twilight still had her royal duties and that whole Nightmare Moon business going on, so she checked her "Summer Sun Celebration official overseer's checklist", the first thing to check was the banquet preparations at Sweet Apple Acres, one of the top spots in Ponyville, a farm famous for its, uh, apples and apple products, and Cider, like I said, Ponyville is not exactly a touristic hot spot, hey, at least is far away from the filthy streets.

It was a huge, lovely farm, it reeked of animal shit like any farm does, but also there was that sweet smell of smashed apples, Twilight was walking towards the barnyard, hoping to meet someone who could help her with the banquet, when she heard something that gave her the willies, she knew deep inside that something pretty bad was going to happen, and then she heard that same sound again, but this time closer:

"YEEHAW!"

There was this rough looking female pony, going back and forth kicking trees frantically while screaming her heart out in excitement, Twilight just watched from afar, from a "safe distance", after a while the pony stopped, proud of her accomplishment at kicking the shit out of trees. Twilight wasn't impressed or amused, in fact, now she really wanted to go somewhere else first, but she still had royal duties to attend

"Let's get this over with" sighed Twilight as she approached this pony, hoping she wouldn't freak out like that other one.

"Good afternoon. My name is Twilight Sparkle—"she was going to continue talking, but she was interrupted by an overly elated pony violently shaking her hooves.

"Wal, howdy-doo, Miss Twilight!" Screamed the pony "A pleasure makin' yer acquaintance! Ah's Applejack. Shet mah mouth!" the pony kept screaming with her raspy voice, her breath reeked of alcohol and apples "We hyar at Sweet Apple Acres sho'nuff does like makin' noo friends!"

Now Twilight wished this one just ran away really fast.

"Wha- F-friends? Actually, I-"

"So, whut kin ah do yo' fo'?"

Spike was snickering at this pitiful show, Twilight was clearly nervous as fuck and Applejack was a total "moran", still, Twilight kept trying to talk to her about the banquet.

"Ww-ell, I..uhm..I am in fact here to-to supervise the…uh… preparations for the….the Summer Sun Celebration, yeah. And, and you're in charge of the food?"

"We sho'nuff are! W'd yo' care t'sample some?"

Twilight wanted to say no, she wanted to go away; she really wanted this to end, but her duties man, her duties.

"As long as it doesn't take too long..."

And as soon as she said it, Applejack started ringing a triangle, "oh no", muttered Twilight to herself

"SOUP'S ON, EV'RYPONY" screamed Applejack, and suddenly, from everywhere, a bunch of ponies started emerging, all of them screaming YEEHAWW or some other redneck celebration, some of them had really odd looks, the kind of looks that come from genetic disorders.

"Now, whuffo' doesn't ah intrydooce y'all t'th' Apple fambly?"

Twilight didn't even tried to understand what Applejack was saying, she just wanted to get out

"Thanks, but-but I really need to hurry—"

And so, Applejack started talking and talking, introducing ALL of her family members, the 20 or so yokels that just stood there, patiently waiting until Applejack introduced them to Twilight, then they would start offering her all kinds of apple-based foodstuffs, between the sounds made by Applejack's relatives and Applejack's hideous country bumpkin dialect she could barely understand what she was saying.

"Whuffo', I'd say yer already part of th' fambly! Fry mah hide!"

Twilight couldn't take this anymore, the food was alright, sure, but Applejack's family was a pain in the rear, they were friendly, but annoying and smelly, did these hicks even washed their hooves before touching the food? How could they keep their hooves clean if they use them as hands and legs at the same time? No, she really needed to get out.

"Okay, well, I can see the food situation is handled, so we'll be on our way." Said Twilight, ready to get out of there as fast as she could, however, as she was about to leave the premises, she heard plenty of disappointed sighs, and out of nowhere popped up a lil' rube filly with puppy, teary eyes:

"Ain't you gonna stay for brunch?"

"Sorry, but we have an awful lot to do..." Replied Twilight, and again she heard some disappointed sighs coming from the family crowd.

Twilight had second thoughts about her decision; these hayseeds were a friendly bunch, especially Applejack, who despite being unsophisticated and rude was genuinely friendly, was leaving really alright? She came here to make friends too after all…

"…fine" said Twilight, resigned to her fate, she didn't really wanted to be there, but oh well.

And there was much rejoicing, folk songs and apple-based foodstuffs.

**ON THE NEXT UPDATE:** Twilight meets the local assholes, the dope dealer and some weirdo.


End file.
